DOCTOR CONFIRMS IT!
If Head Wasn’t Attached to the Body, People Would Forget It!

In this “fast” and “stressful” world we live in people often forget or misplace things. Whether it’s misplaced car keys, or a lost wallet, we humans tend to forget where we leave very important items.

In a recent study, Dr. David Mencha, professor of psychology from the University of Amneesha at Michigan, proved that if we surgically removed our heads from our body, we would forget it.

The study was carefully organized by Dr. Mencha, also the head of the newly-formed STRANGE Idea Club at the university.

“It was a very, very unique study,” Dr. Mencha announced at a press conference held at the university center yesterday. “Many of the people participating were frightened by the results.”

The experiment was to be under the doctor’s strict supervision.

“We took one hundred students, from every background, and very gently removed their heads from their bodies, waited approximately five hours, and then asked them to leave the room,” an excited Dr. Mencha told a room full of skeptical reporters, students, and doctors.

“The data does not lie,” a bandaged student told a group of reporters, “Only twenty people asked to have their heads back.”

Dr. David Mencha had the idea for this study many years prior to its happenings. The reason for his overwhelming interest in this study was his passion to find a cure for memory loss.
After being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease four years ago, Dr. Mencha has been doing the best he can, working with doctors and scientists on finding a solution to this debilitating condition.

“I feel this study has made me aware… this disease starts in youth and degenerates as we grow older,” Dr. Mencha told one reporter.

“The youth have so much to deal with. I feel this study has made me aware…this disease starts in youth and degenerates as we grow older,” the doctor repeated to the same reporter.

Dr. Mencha wanted to carry out this study earlier in the year, when students had a minimal amount of school work to finish, but lacked the funding.

When asked if there were any variables in the experiment Dr. Mencha recalled,

“I felt that there were some flaws in the experiment. I forgot to ask the students if they were experiencing some stress in there lives: work, school, family life. As we know, stress has a huge effect on memory. Many times it leads to forgetfulness and lack of concentration.”

University president, Charles Memoria was intrigued and ecstatic when asked about the experiment calling it a “great breakthrough”.

“There is so much our students have to remember. This just proves we have to be aware of the amount of work we are giving them.”

Turnout at yesterday’s conference was encouraging.

“Oh yeah, the turnout…exceptional…we need the support if we want to continue these experiments,” a determined Dr. Mencha stated while overlooking his trusty clipboard.

“Hey,” Dr. Mencha added, “We can’t remember everything…but your head?”

HENRY ELDER AWARD FOR SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY

Along with his presentation, Dr. David Mencha was awarded the Henry Elder Award for Science and Technology. The award is given out every four years to a faculty member who has demonstrated a long standing of hard work and excellence. The award includes an engraved plague and grant money worth five thousand dollars.

At 78 years old, Dr. Mencha is on his way out. However, he believes that future experiments are needed.

“We are “heading” in the right direction,” Dr. Mencha told the crowd.

The students and faculty all laughed as a confused Dr. Mencha stared out into the crowd.

Animal Shelter Terrorized by Unwanted Guest

Mr. Roberto Murakami, described by those who knew him as a man who kept to himself, was officially released this past Monday from the Hudson County Animal League.

The chief of staff, Dr. Audrey Nelson, was the deciding factor in finalizing the eviction of the unassuming Mr. Murakami.

“He was down-right deplorable,” Ms. Nelson stated, “he was under the impression that he had permission to come and go as he pleased.”

Administrator Ralph Petrano decided enough was enough when he arrived to work one morning and found a pile of his patient’s medical records chewed to bits. “I couldn’t believe it, all that paperwork, totally destroyed,” a distraught Mr. Petrano recalled. “My two-year-old has better sense then that.”

Veterinary assistant Julie Rouse was a little more sympathetic. “We told Mr. Murakami that we had no problem taking care of his parakeet, Blueberry, but in regards to his room and board, we were not responsible.”

It took six months for the HCAL to evict Mr. Murakami. The law requires that once a patient is checked-in, the road to getting them out is not that easy. The process entails a tremendous amount of paperwork and countless voice mails left with the County Clerk’s office.

In cases like these, such as when a stray dog or cat is brought in, the HCAL performs a routine check up, recommends that the animal is thoroughly cleaned and then sent on their way. A mandated ruling passed just this last summer by the state of New York requires that county-run animal shelters have a seventy-two hour window in which to decide the next course of action.

We spoke with Mr. Murakami’s representation, Ira Shalom, in relation to this matter and he blatantly said, “last I heard, Mr. Murakami was going to be euthanized.”

Laura Philips, a leading spokesperson for PETA, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, was confused when she arrived to work last Friday and saw a memo on her desk. “I told Mr. Shalom that we could represent Mr. Murakami’s parakeet but in regards to his well-being, I had nothing to offer.”

The Hudson County Animal League told us that under no circumstances would Mr. Murakami be euthanized; they simply just wanted him to leave quietly and hopefully get his life back in order.

“I felt bad for the guy,” recalled head custodian, Daniel Evans, “sometimes life throws you a curveball.”

Mr. Murakami was unable to be reached for comment. We did, however, contact his god-father, Teodoro Oshiro, a Russian-born immigrant, hoping to shed some light on this subject. His response to his god-son’s current state of affairs was one of anger. “I tell those people, leave that boy alone.” Mr. Murakami is forty-seven years old.

With the eviction of Mr. Murakami behind them, the HCAL can breathe a little easier.

“I have a feeling this was just a huge misunderstanding and I hope we don’t have to deal with this ever again,” a relieved Mr. Petrano said.

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